Sooo my wonderful people❤
This is my update🚨🚨🚨
I’m going to tell you how I feel atm (honestly❕) and that’s the reason why I put a
in here bc I don’t want any one to feel overwhelmed by my words.
Right now I’m sitting in my room on my beloved bed ( #oneandonly #truelove ) and have tears in my eyes.
I don’t know why and how but I can’t cope w/ my current situation.
I feel completely stressed out and alone. I feel like no one understands me and I feel mistrusted, tracked and observed by everyone (especially by my mum).
Eating works well atm but I feel like I’m gaining. It’s like my weight increases (into the sky) w/out a limit. And my mum judges my by her strict view every day. She criticises my oversize sweaters, sweatpants and so on and I’m so sick of it.
Idk why – I do everything I eat and eat and eat. I’ve got fixed meals and take a lunch box to university everyday. I eat in front of others (of new people and in front of old friends) and I even go to restaurants again. I eat up -ALWAYS!- even though I’m fed up, just because I don’t want her to worry about me again. I don’t go to the toilet after a meals bc I’m afraid that she could think of me hanging over the toilet, purging.
I do EVERYTHING possible.
But it’s still not enough -obviously.
That’s why I ask myself why I challenge my mind every day. Meanwhile I doubt that this is the right way. It would be so much easier to quit eating again and to lose weight.
But YOU KNOW WHAT?!
I won’t take the „easy road“ again. Because this ill and psychotic behavior is …idk
silly, shitty, weak, poor
and of course
It’s sooo, soooo wrong! Eating disorders are serious illnesses and a life with those shit is everything but desirable, isn’t it?!
Why do I wanna be ill?
I just want to be normal.
I want to study, to find new friends, to have fun and visit new places.
I just want to be happy again and right now I’m not able to even think of happiness.
It’s too far away and that sucks!
I’m sick of crying every day, of breakdowns, flashbacks and I’m tired of being tired (of life) all the time.
I want to be honest.
During the last weeks I purged a few times by accident. -sounds ridiculous?
➡ After eating it’s very exhausting for me to keep everything inside sometimes. When I sit/ lie down, stand up oder bow over I have to vomit. It’s disgusting bc it can happen -always and everywhere and sometimes I’m not able to prevent me from purging…
But I’m trying to stop. The pressure to harm myself is high af and I don’t know how to cope w/ it. I just want some little scratches or so, but I don’t want to make my mama cry again and she always sees it bc she often asks me and then I show her my healed wounds to make her feel better – but this is one of the things making me feel sm worse! I don’t want to do everything she wants. I don’t want to live the life she wants me to live anymore but I’m not strong enough to leave it behind and do „my thing“.
You think I’m weak and searching for some silly excuses?!
Maybe – idk
But I know that my mother is the only reason why I’m still alive and I love her – even though I hate her for making me do all this shit – but this so called „shit“ is my life…
Have a nice day! I hope you feel better than me ❤